It’s a good thing Santa’s workshop is based at the North Pole and not in the U.S. His toy factory might not survive Washington’s anti-business regulatory aggression—especially over the past seven years.
Let’s start with the labor issues. You gotta know the elves are working night and day to get the toys ready for all the good little girls and boys. Is Santa paying them a “living wage,” defined today as $15.00 an hour? He apparently gives all his toys away, so it’s hard to argue that he’s profiteering off his elves.
And could he afford to provide the elves with Obamacare? I’m guessing no, since so many stateside businesses are struggling under its rapidly escalating costs. Being at the North Pole, Santa can choose from a number of more affordable options—options that we in the states used to have until Obama outlawed them.
Next, have you noticed in pictures and commercials that few if any of the elves appear to be female? Now, it may be that the elf population is disproportionately male. It may also be that female elves don’t want to work in a place as cold as the North Pole (I know my non-elf wife wouldn’t).
No matter. The Obama administration has made it abundantly clear: an absence of intentional discrimination is no defense against an overzealous bureaucracy looking to sue employers. If the gender or racial mix doesn’t suit the Obama bean counters, it’s considered blatant discrimination.
Thus, if Santa were based in the U.S., he would have to pull money from his toy-making operation—already depleted by having to pay for Obama’s outrageously expensive health insurance—to defend himself against frivolous Obama administration charges.
And speaking of “good little girls and boys,” who gives Santa the power to judge who is good and bad? That type of “micro-aggression” could hurt the feelings of bad girls and boys, who would need to find a “safe space” in order to soothe their feelings.
No doubt they would soon be demonstrating outside of Santa’s workshop, demanding that he step down. Fortunately for Santa, it’s too cold to demonstrate at the North Pole.
Of course, we can’t forget about animal rights. There are nine reindeer, counting Rudolph. They have to spend a whole evening pulling Santa’s sleigh, which is loaded with presents for children all over the world. And they have to pull that sleigh at a time of year when weather conditions are often severe. No doubt some federal agency would challenge that treatment.
Besides, does Santa’s sleigh have an approved seatbelt? Does it have front and side airbags? We know the sleigh has a light in front—Rudolph’s nose—but does it have the proper lighting for an airborne vehicle?
On the plus side, reindeer probably have a lower carbon footprint than the private jets Al Gore likes to travel in. And if he actually lived in the U.S., Santa might get one of those $7,500 tax credits for choosing a vehicle with minimal carbon emissions.
Finally, there’s the issue of, um, Santa’s size. Both Santa and Mrs. Claus are full figured. That doesn’t make any difference at the North Pole—nor in most other places—but it seems to bother the U.S. food nannies.
Former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg can’t impose a sugary soft drink tax on the Clauses at the North Pole, but he might try to stick Santa with that tax if he buys something to drink in the U.S. on Christmas Eve.
Put all those regulatory and nanny-state roadblocks on Santa, and it isn’t at all clear he could continue to operate—just as many other U.S. businesses have found.
If that were the case, Santa might have to close up his U.S. workshop and offshore his toy-making to Chinese elves.
Better yet, maybe next Christmas Santa will bring American voters a better president. We can at least put it on our 2016 Christmas lists.